WELL I HAD A PRETTY MELLOW WEEKEND. I HELPED MY GOOD FRIEND WITH HER DAUGHTER'S BABY SHOWER ON SAT. AND ON SUN. I STAYED IN MY PAJAMAS ALL DAY AND WATCHED MOVIES! MY DAUGHTER IN LAW WAS OUT OF TOWN SO I KNEW THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY FIGHTING GOING ON BETWEEN THE KIDS. I AM REALLY TRYING TO MAKE PROGRESS WITH STAYING OUT OF THEIR BULLSHIT. IT IS STILL A BIG SOURCE OF ANXIETY FOR ME. THE ONLY SOURCE OF ANXIETY FOR ME. BUT I AM WORKING ON LETTING GO WITH THE HELP OF PRAYER AND ALSO WITH THE HELP OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO KNOW HOW I AM ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE AFFECTED BY THAT SITUATION. IT IS MANIFESTING ITSELF AS SOMEWHAT OF AN OBSESSION, SO I HAVE TO ADDRESS IT LIKE I ADDRESS MY ADDICTION. I NEED TO PRAY AND TURN IT OVER TO GOD ON A DAILY BASIS. I NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER THAT SITUATION. I ALSO NEED TO SEE MY PART IN PARTICIPATING IN THEIR MADNESS. I NEED TO LET GO OF THE GUILT THAT IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON. AS MUCH AS I TRYED TO HELP FIX THEIR PROBLEMS ,AS MANY TIMES AS I PUT A BANDAID ON THEIR FIGHTS, THINGS HAVE STILL PROGRESSED TO THIS POINT WHERE NOW CPS IS INVOLVED, RESTRAINING ORDERS, DRUG TESTS , STRESSSSSSSSS! BUT.....IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. I FEEL GUILTY EVEN SAYING THAT. THIER BEHAVIOR HAS GOT THEM WHERE THEY ARE. I JUST FEEL SO BAD THAT THEIR LIFE IS SO MESSED UP. I JUST WANT MY SON TO BE HAPPY. BUT I ALSO KNOW I HAVE NO RIGHT DENYING HIM OF HIS PROCESS IN LIFE . GOOD AND BAD WE ALL HAVE A PATH AND THE ONLY WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE IS THROUGH IT!. WHY DO I SEEM TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS BUT I STILL FEEL THIS PAIN? THIS IS THE ONLY AREA OF MY LIFE THAT BRINGS THESE EMOTIONS TO THE TABLE. I HAVE TROUBLE SETTING BOUNDRIES WITH MY SON. BUT WITH EVRYONE ELSE THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM. EVEN THOUGH I DO HAVE STRONG EMOTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO RAY, IT ISN'T THE OVERWHELMING FEELING I GET WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON. THE TWO DON'T EVEN COMPARE. IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CATAGORY.LIKE TONIGHT FOR INSTANCE, MY DAUGHTER IN LAW IS COMING BACK TONIGHT. MY SON IS PICKING HER UP AT THE AIR PORT AND I AM ALREDY PROJECTING THAT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN. A FIGHT OR ??? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. IT'S LIKE THIS IMPENDING FEELING OF SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. I RECOGNIZE THIS AS A FORM OF ANXIETY OR OBSESSION. I'M NO THERAPIST BUT THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS. (TYPICAL ADDICT DIAGNOSING MYSELF. )ANYWAY,MY FEELINGS ARE NOT ALL THAT FAR FETCHED... THIS SHIT DOES HAPPEN ON A DAILY WITH THEM. I AM JUST SOOOOO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. AND BEING CALLED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.I DON'T WANT IT IN MY LIFE. I NEED IT TO STOP!!!!!!! THEIR DRAMA MOST LIKELY WILL NOT STOP. I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO ELIMINATE IT FROM MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO TURN MY BACK ON MY SON I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY ANY PART OF THEIR DRAMA. THIS IS MY DILEMA. HOW TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. HOW TO SET BOUNDRIES WITHOUT TURNING MY BACK ON MY SON. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY. MOVE FAR AWAY. SOMETIMES GETTING LOADED CROSSES MY MIND. BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN I AM HIGH I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING. BUT BELIEVE ME THAT IS A SHORT TAPE AND I PLAY IT OUT AND RECOGNIZE THE CONSEQUENCES BEHIND IT AND I AM NOT WILLING TO GO THERE. BUT I KNOW ENOUGH THAT IF I AM HAVING THESE FEELINGS BEHIND ANYTHING I NEED TO ELIMINATE IT FROM MY LIFE. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON IT'S NOT LIKE IT IS JUST THAT EASY. I CAN WALK AWAY FROM ANYTHING, BUT I CAN NEVER WALK AWAY FROM HIM. AND I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM TO SET THESE BOUNDRIES BUT THIS IS MY TROUBLE SPOT.

JUST FOR TODAY GIRL