HAPPY THANKSGIVING.I DO FEELVERY GOOD TODAY. I WOKE UP EARLY AND WENT OVER TO MY SON'S HOUSE TO START PREPARING THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH MY DAUGHTER IN LAW . WE DECIDED TO HAVE IT AT THEIR HOUSE WICH WAS FINE WITH ME. ALL THE STRESS AND PROBLEMS THAT OCCURED WITH THEM OVER THE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE WORKED THEMSELVES OUT AND ALL IS PEACEFULL ON THE FRONT LINES. LOL . I KNOW GOD IS GOOD AND IS WORKING IN MY LIFE. I JUST HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE WAY AND LET HIM DO HIS JOB. WHEN I AM WALKING IN FEAR , I AM NOT WALKING IN FAITH. I AM BLESSED, I JUST HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THAT.I AM CLEAN AND SOBER FOR THANKSGIVING FOR THE 4TH YEAR! THAT IS A BLESSING. I AM NOT LOCKED UP IN MY ROOM SMOKING METH, I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY FAMILY,MYSELF,LIFE! YES I AM A MIRACLE. IAM TRULY THANKFULL TODAY. I HAVE COME SO FAR. I HAVE A GREAT JOB THAT PAYS VERY WELL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO EARN THIS KIND OF MONEY. NOT EVEN SELLING DRUGS. I HAVE A BRAND NEW CAR ,A HOME. I DON'T OWN A HOME I RENT , BUT THAT WILL BE MY NEW GOAL FOR NEXT YEAR. I AM MAKING STIDES, EVEN THOUGH IT IS A LITTLE LATE IN LIFE. I AM ACTUALLY THE BEST I'VE EVER BEEN RIGHT NOW!I DON'T WANT TO GET HIGH JUST FOR TODAY AND THAT IS A TRUE BLESSING.

i am somewhat of a mess today. i mean to the untrained eye i probley look fine, but to another fellow addict or to any one that knows me well i am not ok. i really need a goog cry. some therapy would help too. i'm FEELING. THATS WHAT PEOPLE off DRUGS DO. LAST NIGHT MY SON AND HIS GIRL HAD A BIG FIGHT AND I AM OFF TO THE RESCUE AS USUAL. WHENEVER THEY FIGHT THEY CALL ME AND I DROP WHATEVER I'M DOING , RUSH OVER THERE AND START MY COUNSELING SESSSION. YOU SEE I'M REALLY GREAT IN A CRISIS SITUATION AND I ALWAYS SEEM TO HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS TO GET THEM TO CALM DOWN AND SEE REASON. BUT AFTERWARDS I AM EMOTIONALLY DRAINED . THIS HAPPENS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK AND I AM RUNNING OUT OF JUICE. YOU SEE IN MY RECOVERY THE LAST 4 YRS I HAVE BEEN STACKING CARDS IN MY FAVOR, BUILDING UP A RESISTANCE TO LIFES UPS AND DOWNS AND NOW LATELY I HAVE BEEN USING THEM UP ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP!! I AM SO STRESSED OUT ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP! I MUST PUT SOME BOUNDRIES IN PLACE SO THAT THIS STOPS. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. IT'S UP TO ME TO MAKE HEALTHY BOUNDRIS FOR MYSELF. I JUST HATE FOR MY SON TO FEEL PAIN OR HURT, SO I KEEP TRYING TO FIX THEIR PROBLEMS.I HAVE HURT HIM SO MUCH IN THE PAST. MY ADDICTION RULED OUR LIVES. i've got to learn how to type better , this will drive me nuts. i have all these feelings and they can't flow while i'm pecking away at this KEYBOARD! (SMILE)ANY WAY ENOUGH FOR NOW . I HAVE TO GO GET THE REST OF THE FOOD FOR THANKSGIVING TOMORROW..

When I Was A kid I Always Kept A jOURNAL. EVEN AS A teenager i kept a daily journal.when i was 18 i got pregnant and that is around the time i stopped writing. both of my parents had the disease of addiction. my mom is 77 and still smokes pot.my dad was always an addict ,he's dead now but he lived his life as an addict. every one of my siblings are addicts.every one of them. all in various stages, various addictions everything from crack to gambling,methodone to meth. oh yeah one in prison for the last 30+ yrs.I Am the only one that is not using (just for today)it is a miracle that i am not in prison or dead or just still out there using and dying slow.i did alot of different drugs but when i found meth i thought i was right where i belonged.

OK NOW I GET THIS. NOT BAD FOR AN X DOPE FIEND. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO GRT OUT OF MYSELF AND INTO MYSELF AT THE SAME TIME. IF I CCOULD ONLY TYPE BETTER IT WOULD BE GREAT, BUT I WAS DITCHING TYPING CLASS TO GO GET STONED IN THOSE DAYS. ANYWAY I AM GOING TO TRY TO POST SOMETHING EVERYDAY AND SEE WHERE THIS TAKES ME. MORE WILL BE REVEALED AS THEY SAY. TOMORROW I WILL START FROM THE BEGINNING ,FROM WHERE THE SEED WAS PLANTED.IN MY CASE ITHINK IN THE WOMB WOULD BE A FAIR STATEMENT. GOODNIGHT FOR NOW..

SOME DAYS NOT FEELING OR BEING NUMB STILL SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.IT'S A SHORT TAPE THOUGH AND I KNOW IT'S NOT AN OPTION.SO JUST FOR TODAY I AM CLEAN AND SOBER.YOU KNOW ALL THOSE YEARS I WAS USING DRUGS AND DRINKING LIFE WAS HAPPENING ALL AROUND ME , I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT. I STAYED HIGH AND NUMB AND I JUST DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.I'M 41 YEARS OLD,AND I HAVE 4 1/2 YRS CLEAN.I HVE BEEN SO BUSY JUST TRYING TO DO THE EVERYDAY INS AND OUTS OF LIFE ,LIKE WORK AND PAYING BILLS AND NORMAL SHIT THAT EVERYONE DOES.SO WHEN ANYTHING OUT OF MY NEAT LITTLE PACKAGE COMES UP I FEEL OVERWHELMED. IT'S USUALLY NOT EVEN MY SHIT IT'S MY SONS LIFE AND THE DRAMA THAT GOES ON WITH HIM.I HAVE SO MUCH GUILT LEFT OVER FROM EVERYTHING I PUT HIM THROUGH IN MY ADDICTION THAT I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO SMOOTH FOR HIM. BUT LIFE IS NOT LIKE THAT!HE IS GOING TO GO THROUGH HARD TIMES AND GOOD TIMES AND I JUST HAVE TO LET IT HAPPEN! I AM POWERLESS OVER THE OUT COME OF HIS LIFE AND I AM HAVING TROUBLE ACCEPTING THAT. WHY? WHY? THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE THIS DONE THIS BLOG THING AND I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS JUST YET, SO I WILL SUBMIT THIS AND SEE WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT.