I FEEL LONLEY TONIGHT. I REALLY DO THINK I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE I MY LIFE AGAIN.I'M NOT A NEEDY PERSON , I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT TO MAKE DINNER FOR SOMEONE, WATCH TV, JUST ENJOY THE PRESENCE OF SOMEONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. MY LONGEST AND SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS WERE WHEN I WAS USING DRUGS. MAYBE I'M SCARED TO TRY TO BE WITH SOMEONE. ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF MY NEAT LITTLE ROUTINE SCARES ME. WHAT IF I GET REJECTED ,WHAT IF HE'S A CHEATER.A LIAR... HOW WILL I HANDLE IT? I KNOW HOW I HANDLED STRESS IN THE PAST.LOCKED IN MY ROOM WITH A CRYSTAL PIPE. IT'S NOT THAT I AM RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF USING OR ANYTHING, IT'S JUST SOMETHING I HAVE TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION. I CAN'T LET IT KEEP ME IN MY COMFORT ZONE THO. I AM AWARE THAT GROWTH HAPPENS WHEN WE STEP OUTSIDE OF THAT COMFORT ZONE. I'M PROBLEY OVER THINKING THIS WHOLE THING. BOTTOM LINE IS I WISH A REALLY GREAT GUY WOULD COME INTO MY LIFE SO THAT I CAN LOVE HIM AND SPOIL HIM AND MAKE HIM SO HAPPY THAT HE'LL WONDER WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE I BEEN ALL HIS LIFE. AND IN RETURN THE SAME FROM HIM WILL BE FINE WITH ME. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT HIM FROM ACROSS THE ROOM AND FEEL HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.I KNOW GOD KNOWS WHAT IS IN MY HEART AND WHEN IT IS TIME IT WILL HAPPEN. UNTIL THEN I NEED TO JUST KEEP WORKING ON MYSELF AND MY GOALS AND REALIZE I AM COMPLETE WITH OR WITHOUT SOMEONE IN MY LIFE. WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I NEED ARE MOST LIKELY TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS

SINCE I GOT CLEAN I HAVE NOT BEEN IN ANY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. RAY IS MY EX AND WE SPLIT UP RIGHT BEFORE I GOT CLEAN. I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH AND I STILL DO. HE IS STILL OUT THERE USING. SAD BUT TRUE. HE COMES AROUND EVERY ONCE-IN-A WHILE,JUST LONG ENOUGH TO GET MY FEELINGS STIRRED UP A BIT, AND THEN DISSAPEARS FOR WEEKS AT A TIME.

THE TRUTH IS ,I'M VERY LONLEY.I AM AT A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I AM THE BEST I'VE EVER BEEN. I AM INDEPENDENT, GREAT JOB, NEW CAR, NO DEPENDENTS,FINANCIALLY COMFORTABLE, I'M SMART, FUNNY,SEXY ,CUTE...DAMM I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH MYSELF! BUT FOR SOME REASON I CAN'T OR MAYBE WON'T MEET SOMEONE. I THINK A PART OF ME THINKS RAY IS GOING TO GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER.OR MAYBE I'M SCARED THAT I WON'T BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE ELSE. YOU SEE THAT LOW SELF ESTEEM THAT IS PART OF WHAT DRIVES US INTO ADDICTION ALWAYS LURKS RIGHT BELOW THE SURFACE. I CAN SAY ALL THOSE GREAT THINGS ABOUT MYSELF..BUT DO I REALLY BELIEVE THEM?

I HAD A REALLY GREAT WEEKEND. I WENT TO ONTARIO, CA TO THE NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS CONVENTION ON SATURDAY. SEVERAL THOUSAND RECOVERING ADDICTS IN ONE PLACE AT THE SAME TIME IS A SIGHT TO SEE. EVERY COLOR, SIZE, SHAPE ,RELGION. ALL ADDICTS IN RECOVERY. SOME WITH ONLY ONE DAY CLEAN. SOME WITH 45 YRS CLEAN. THEY HAVE A MAIN SPEAKER MEETING WHERE THEY DO A COUNTDOWN BEFORE THE SPEAKER STARTS UP. THEY START AT 50 YRS AND GO DOWN TO 1 DAY. PEOPLE STAND UP WHEN THEIR CLEAN TIME IS SAID AND EVERYONE CLAPS AND CHEERS . IT'S REALLY POWERFULL . WHEN THEY GET TO 30 DAYS THEY COUNT DOWN FROM 30,29,28, 27,ETC...AND EVERYONE CHANTS "KEEP COMING BACK" OVER AND OVER. IT'S A TRIP. THEY HAVE A DANCE AND ADINNER AND MARATHON MEETING AROUND THE CLOCK ALL WEEKEND. IT'S SOMETHING EVERY ADDICT SHOULD EXPERIENCE. THE MAIN SPEAKER WAS WES FROM NEW YORK. HE TOLD HIS STORY AND DID AN OUTSTANDING JOB. YOU CAN IMAGINE KEEPING THE ATTENTION OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE FOR A STRAIGHT HOUR IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO. HE WAS GREAT.

ANYWAY I AM FEELING REALLY RELAXED TONIGHT. THE KIDS HAD A GOOD WEEKEND AND NO FIGHTING! YAY!!I HAD A GOOD TALK WITH THEM AND I HAD TO LET THEM KNOW THAT THEY NEED TO START WORKING IN THEIR ISSUES WITHOUT MY HELP ALL THE TIME. IT WAS RELLY TAKING IT'S TOLL ON ME ,AND I THINK THEY UNDERSTAND.WELL I'M GOING TO STOP FOR NOW SO THAT I CAN STOP BY SOME OF MY FAVORITE BLOGS. SO GOODNIGHT .
JUST FOR TODAY GIRL

Ok Fellow Bloggers, I an slowly getting this all down pat! pictuers and all! whats next ? colors on my blog page??? for the life of me i still can't figure that one out yet. YET. ANYWAYS PICS OF ME AND SOME OF MY FAMILY.

I AM PRACTICING ONE OF MY FAVORITE SAYINGS TODAY BY LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF TO DO IT OVER AND OVER. MY IMPULSE TO CALL AND CHECK ON MY SON AND HIS GIRLFRIEND TO SEE IF THEY ARE OK OR FIGHTING OR W H A T E V E R IS ALMOST AS STRONG AS MY IMPULSE TO USE DRUGS BEFORE. (BEFORE I GOT CLEAN) THAT SEEMS STRANGE BECAUSE THEY ARE TWO COMPLETLEY DIFFERENT THINGS.BUT THE NEED TO OBSESS ON SOMETHING IS THE SAME. DRIVEN BY COMPULSION. SCARY STUFF. OTHER THAN THAT I AM DOING GOOD TODAY. I HAD TO WORK BUT THE DAY WENT BY PRETTY FAST. I USUALLY GO TO A WOMENS NA MEETING TONIGHT, BUT MY FRIEND THAT I GO WITH HAD OTHER PLANS , SO I BLEW IT OFF. TOMORROW I AM GOING TO A NA CONVENTION IN ONTARIO, CA. THAT WILL BE FUN. THANKSGIVING WENT REALLY WELL YESTERDAY. I WENT AND PICKED UP MY MOM AND WE WENT TO MY SONS HOUSE FOR DINNER. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME SHE HAS SEEN MY GRANDSON. HE'S 6 MONTHS OLD. WE HAD A REALLY NICE TIME. MY MOM IS SO PROUD OF ME. SHE KNOWS WHAT I WENT THROUGH ALL THOSE YRS OF USING. SHE SAW ME STRUGGLE THROUGH GETTING CLEAN. I HAVE NEVER RELAPSED, BY THE GRACE OF GOD.LET GO...LET GOD...LET GO...LET GOD.... (EXCUSE ME WHILE I TALK TO MYSELF) LOL LOL IT'S FUNNY I KEEP CHECKING THE CLOCK TO SEE WHAT TIME IT IS. I KNOW IF IT GETS LATE ENOUGH THAT I'M SAFE FROM GETTING THAT DRAMA ALERT CALL FROM THE KIDS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS BLOGGERS!? ANY GOOD ADVICE? ANY WILL BE APPRECIATED. OTHER THAN THAT I'M REALLY GROUNDED. SURPRISED? LOL LOL