I AM FEELING HURT,SAD,MAD,CONFUSED,DEPRESSED,STRESSESD....DAVASTATED.
OK...LET ME START HERE...I CONFIDED IN MY SON'S GIRLFRIEND THAT I HAVE BEEN SEEING RAY. I TOLD HER UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WAS SHE TO TELL MY SON BECAUSE HE WOULD BE OVER THE TOP MAD, SAD,YOU NAME IT .HE HATES RAY. HE THINKS RAY IS THE REASON MY LIFE WAS SO FUCKED UP.YOU SEE I WAS AT MY WORST DURING THE TIME RAY AND I WERE TOGETHER,BUT I KNOW THAT I WAS HITTING MY BOTTOM WITH OR WITHOUT RAY IN MY LIFE. MY SON DOES NOT FEEL THAT WAY. AND IT HAS NOT BEEN AN ISSUE BECAUSE THE SUBJECT OF RAY HAS NOT COME UP SINCE I HAVE BEEN CLEAN.WELL HERE IS HOW THIS HAS COME TO BE. I WROTE A LITTLE ABOUT THE DRAMA THAT HAPPENED WITH MY SON THE OTHER DAY, WELL AS A RESULT OF THAT CHILD PROTECTIVE SVCS WAS CALLED AND THEY WANT ONE OF THEM TO LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, SO THAT THEY CAN GET COUNSELING AND ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES. SO I TOLD MY SON I AM ALWAYS WILLING TO DO WHAT I CAN TO HELP , BUT I DO NOT WANT HIM TO COME AND STAY WITH ME AT MY HOUSE. FOR MANY REASONS. NOT ENOUGH ROOM,I NEED MY SPACE AND PRIVACY. I LIVE A QUIET LIFE, I DON'T WANT THE COMINGS AND GOINGS OF SOMEONE ELSES ROUTINE IN MY LIFE. AM I BEING SELFISH? ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE GONE MANY TIMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO MEDIATE THEIR ARGUMENTS, LEFT NA MEETINGS TO GO TO THE RESCUE, STOPPED WHATEVER I AM DOING TO GO TO THEM IN THEIR TIME OF NEED.I DON'T WANT MY SON TO COME STAY WITH ME. WELL WHEN I TOLD HIM THIS HE COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHY. HE WAS ACCEPTING OF IT BUT WAS SOMEWHAT OFFENDED. WELL AFTER WE GOT OFF THE PHONE THAT IS WHEN JAZMIN TOOK IT UPON HERSELF TO TELL HIM THE REASON I DID NOT WANT HIM TO STAY WITH ME WAS PROBLEY BECAUSE I WAS SEEING RAY AGAIN.SO HE CALLED ME BACK AND BLEW A GASKET. HE WAS SCREAMING AT ME AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. "WHY WOULD YOU LET HIM BACK INTO YOUR LIFE!" "YOU WILL LET THAT @@@##$$%^%^^ INTO YOUR HOUSE ,BUT ME YOU ONLY SON YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE THERE!? SO MANY MORE THINGS HE SAID......... HE BEGGED ME "PLEASE MOM, USE YOUR HEAD, DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT LIFE?"(I AM NOT USING HIS WORDS BECAUSE IT IS JUST TOO MUCH)HA WAS SOBBING AND SCREAMING AND PLEADING WITH ME. HE SAID HE WILL NOT LET ME DO THIS TO MYSELF. WHATEVER IT TOOK. HE SAID SO MUCH MORE, I CAN'T EVEN KEEP GOING WITH THIS.HE EVEN WENT AS FAR AS TO SAY THAT IF I AM GOING TO SEE RAY THAT I AM NO LONGER HIS MOM , HE WONT EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN. THEN HA JUMPS TO "NO I WONT LET YOU DESTROY YOUR LIFE AGAIN, YOU CAN'T SEE HIM!!" THIS IS CRAZY.
I UNDERSTAND HIS PAIN. I KNOW HE WANTS ONLY THE BEST FOR ME. I AM DEVASTATED.
THE TRUTH IS, I AM LONLEY AND I AM SETTLING FOR LESS WITH RAY. HE IS STILL USING, HE IS STILL IN THAT LIFESTYLE. HE HAS BEEN MAKING MORE TIME FOR ME LATELY BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I really WANT. I WANT SOOO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. I DESERVE MORE THAN THAT. BUT I HAVE feelings FOR HIM. THERE ARE GOOD THINGS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE PAST FEW DAYS WITH HIM I HAVE FELT HAPPY. BUT MAYBE I AM JUST IN DENIAL. NO NOT MAYBE, I AM. I AM SO MESSED UP WITH ALL THIS. I AM ON MY VACATION AND WHY WHY WHY AM I GOING THRU THIS. ANY COMMENTS WOULD BE APPRECIATED. THANK YOU

THANK GOD FOR MY RECOVERY.TODAY SOME REAL BAD DRAMA HAPPENED WITH THE KIDS. COPS,VIOLENCE, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. THANK GOD I WAS OF SOBER MIND AND BODY SO THAT I WAS ABLE TO BE THERE FOR THEM.I WENT OVER AND DID WHAT I COULD AND I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT I AM NOT THE "CURE ALL" FOR THEIR PROBLEMS. I CAN BE THERE EMOTIONALLY, GIVE SUPPORT AND ADVICE AND THE REST IS UP TO THEM. THIS TIME MY SON MAY HAVE SOME CONSEQUENCES, BECAUSE HE BROKE SOME THINGS IN THE HOUSE AND AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. HE LOST CONTROL AND I KNOW HE IS SORRY AND FULL OF REMORSE , BUT HE MAY HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY THAT THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS JUST UNACCEPTABLE.THE PAIN IN MY HEART IS HUGE . JUST FOR TODAY I DO NOT HAVE TO USE BEHIND STRESSFUL SITUATIONS AND I DON'T HAVE TO GET NUMB TO WALK THROUGH PAIN.
GINA

RAY HAS BEEN COMING AROUND FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS.(IN A ROW, IMAGINE THAT) AND WHILE SOMETHING INSIDE ME REMAINS HOPEFULL THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP COULD TURN INTO SOMETHING GREAT.........BEING REAL WITH MYSELF I KNOW IT WOULD TAKE ALOT. I KNOW WHAT A LONG ROAD I HAVE HAD TO TRAVEL TO GET TO THE POINT I AM AT NOW, IN MY RECOVERY, MY SOBRIETY, MY MIND SET.....EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN DOING TO IMPROVE MYSELF. IT HAS TAKEN TIME AND REAL EFFORT. HE HAS TO WANT IT .
I FEEL SO RIGHT WITH HIM IN MANY WAYS, BUT IN MY HEART OF HEARTS I fear WE'LL PROBLEY NEVER BE TOGETHER THE WAY I FANTASIZE IT IN MY HEAD. BUT...I KNOW THINGS HAPPEN WHEN THEY ARE MEANT TO HAPPEN,BUT I DO FEEL IMPATIENT AT TIMES.I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE, WHAT I NEED AND WHAT I WANT ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS.
WELL THATS ALL FOR TONIGHT...... MUCH LOVE TO ALL, JUST FOR TODAY GIRL

[[EMOTICON:HEART1]

WELL I MADE IT THROUGH THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY WITHOUT HAVING A DRINK OR SMOKING WEED. NIETHER ONE OF THOSE TWO THINGS WERE MY MAIN DRUG OF CHOICE IN THE PAST, BUT I CHOOSE TO ABSTAIN FROM ANYTHING THAT RUNS ALONG THOSE LINES. SURE I COULD HAVE A MARGARITA OR TWO.......IT WOULDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO DO CRYSTAL. BUT FOR ME, ADDICTION IS A STATE OF MIND , AND TODAY IT JUST IS NOT AN OPTION. JUST FOR TODAY I AM CLEAN AND SOBER, JUST FOR TODAY I DID NOT USE. THANK YOU GOD.....THANK YOU.