WELL I HAD A PRETTY MELLOW WEEKEND. I HELPED MY GOOD FRIEND WITH HER DAUGHTER'S BABY SHOWER ON SAT. AND ON SUN. I STAYED IN MY PAJAMAS ALL DAY AND WATCHED MOVIES! MY DAUGHTER IN LAW WAS OUT OF TOWN SO I KNEW THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY FIGHTING GOING ON BETWEEN THE KIDS. I AM REALLY TRYING TO MAKE PROGRESS WITH STAYING OUT OF THEIR BULLSHIT. IT IS STILL A BIG SOURCE OF ANXIETY FOR ME. THE ONLY SOURCE OF ANXIETY FOR ME. BUT I AM WORKING ON LETTING GO WITH THE HELP OF PRAYER AND ALSO WITH THE HELP OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO KNOW HOW I AM ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE AFFECTED BY THAT SITUATION. IT IS MANIFESTING ITSELF AS SOMEWHAT OF AN OBSESSION, SO I HAVE TO ADDRESS IT LIKE I ADDRESS MY ADDICTION. I NEED TO PRAY AND TURN IT OVER TO GOD ON A DAILY BASIS. I NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER THAT SITUATION. I ALSO NEED TO SEE MY PART IN PARTICIPATING IN THEIR MADNESS. I NEED TO LET GO OF THE GUILT THAT IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON. AS MUCH AS I TRYED TO HELP FIX THEIR PROBLEMS ,AS MANY TIMES AS I PUT A BANDAID ON THEIR FIGHTS, THINGS HAVE STILL PROGRESSED TO THIS POINT WHERE NOW CPS IS INVOLVED, RESTRAINING ORDERS, DRUG TESTS , STRESSSSSSSSS! BUT.....IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM. I FEEL GUILTY EVEN SAYING THAT. THIER BEHAVIOR HAS GOT THEM WHERE THEY ARE. I JUST FEEL SO BAD THAT THEIR LIFE IS SO MESSED UP. I JUST WANT MY SON TO BE HAPPY. BUT I ALSO KNOW I HAVE NO RIGHT DENYING HIM OF HIS PROCESS IN LIFE . GOOD AND BAD WE ALL HAVE A PATH AND THE ONLY WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE IS THROUGH IT!. WHY DO I SEEM TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS BUT I STILL FEEL THIS PAIN? THIS IS THE ONLY AREA OF MY LIFE THAT BRINGS THESE EMOTIONS TO THE TABLE. I HAVE TROUBLE SETTING BOUNDRIES WITH MY SON. BUT WITH EVRYONE ELSE THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM. EVEN THOUGH I DO HAVE STRONG EMOTIONS WHEN IT COMES TO RAY, IT ISN'T THE OVERWHELMING FEELING I GET WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON. THE TWO DON'T EVEN COMPARE. IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CATAGORY.LIKE TONIGHT FOR INSTANCE, MY DAUGHTER IN LAW IS COMING BACK TONIGHT. MY SON IS PICKING HER UP AT THE AIR PORT AND I AM ALREDY PROJECTING THAT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN. A FIGHT OR ??? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. IT'S LIKE THIS IMPENDING FEELING OF SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. I RECOGNIZE THIS AS A FORM OF ANXIETY OR OBSESSION. I'M NO THERAPIST BUT THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS. (TYPICAL ADDICT DIAGNOSING MYSELF. )ANYWAY,MY FEELINGS ARE NOT ALL THAT FAR FETCHED... THIS SHIT DOES HAPPEN ON A DAILY WITH THEM. I AM JUST SOOOOO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. AND BEING CALLED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.I DON'T WANT IT IN MY LIFE. I NEED IT TO STOP!!!!!!! THEIR DRAMA MOST LIKELY WILL NOT STOP. I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO ELIMINATE IT FROM MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO TURN MY BACK ON MY SON I JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY ANY PART OF THEIR DRAMA. THIS IS MY DILEMA. HOW TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN. HOW TO SET BOUNDRIES WITHOUT TURNING MY BACK ON MY SON. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY. MOVE FAR AWAY. SOMETIMES GETTING LOADED CROSSES MY MIND. BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN I AM HIGH I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING. BUT BELIEVE ME THAT IS A SHORT TAPE AND I PLAY IT OUT AND RECOGNIZE THE CONSEQUENCES BEHIND IT AND I AM NOT WILLING TO GO THERE. BUT I KNOW ENOUGH THAT IF I AM HAVING THESE FEELINGS BEHIND ANYTHING I NEED TO ELIMINATE IT FROM MY LIFE. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON IT'S NOT LIKE IT IS JUST THAT EASY. I CAN WALK AWAY FROM ANYTHING, BUT I CAN NEVER WALK AWAY FROM HIM. AND I KNOW I DON'T HAVE TO WALK AWAY FROM HIM TO SET THESE BOUNDRIES BUT THIS IS MY TROUBLE SPOT.
Sorry i missed you all over the weekend! i hope everyone had a wonderful easter. Thanks for welcoming me back, i am trying to get back into th swing of posting regularly but once you stop it becomes easier to foget or just find other things to do! i am just soooooooo busy ya know! anyway my weekend was ok. of course drama with the kids was going on saturday and partially on sunday but the latter part if sunday was pretty mellow for me. i am still working on letting go and letting god and i am getting better at it. progress not perfection.as for me and ray, well... he still pops in every once in a while, but i am learning to let that go as well. today i am grateful for my sobriety and for the progress i have made. thaNK GOD for another day clean and sober. just for today girl....gina
HELLO FAMILY,I KNOW I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE ,BUT I AM PERPARED TO COMMIT TO WRITING AT LEAST A FEW DAYS A WEEK.I AM DOING PRETTY GOOD. I AM STILL CLEAN AND SOBER AND WILL BE TAKING MY 5 YR TOKEN ON MAY 5TH.I HAVE ALSO STARTED WITH A NEW SPONSOR AND I HAVE STARTED WORKING MY 1ST STEP AGAIN.LIFE HAS DEFINATLEY BEEN TAKING PLACE WITH AND AROUND ME AND I HAVE HAD SOME STRUGGLES. BUT I DO NOT PICK UP A DRUG OR A DRINK NO MATTER WHAT. AND THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW NO MATTER WHATS.WELL HELLO TO COLO AND LUCY,DEBY,TOPAZ,CIA MARIE,I HAVE MISSED YOU ALL AND YOU HAVE BEEN IN MY THOUGHTS. I AM GLAD TO BE BACK! JUST FOR TODAY GIRL
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i am just soooooooo busy ya know! 
anyway my weekend was ok. of course drama with the kids was going on saturday and partially on sunday 
but the latter part if sunday was pretty mellow for me. i am still working on letting go and letting god and i am getting better at it. progress not perfection.as for me and ray, well... he still pops in every once in a while, but i am learning to let that go as well. today i am grateful for my sobriety and for the progress i have made. thaNK GOD for another day clean and sober. just for today girl....gina 
