Well i have not posted for a while,so this is what has been happening in my life. I am back to work and things are kinda slow getting started.I really think i want to make a change this year with work. I have been thinking of studying for the real estate exam and getting my real estate license. it's just a thought right now...i just know something has to change. something.

I have had some health issues too. my stomach has been acting up.i'm not sure what is wrong but i have an appt on tues. to have a complete physical. i pray i don't find out anything i am not ready to deal with. but i am 41 and it is better to know where my health stands.i'm kinda scared.

I am staying sober and going to my meetings. last weekend i went to hollywood to a NA convention. it was fun except my stomach was acting up and i spent sat night in the hotel room.

Ray has been coming around again. hence the title of this blog post.I love him so much...but nothing has changed. he is not ready to stop using. he only has time for me at his convenience. i have been trying to talk to him about what he wants in his life,but he doesn't want to really get into it. i remember when i was using that was the last thing i wanted to talk about. I can't shake these feelings i have for him. i feel like we were meant to be together.i think he is gonna get better. i love him.i can't save him.we were supposed to go to dinner tonight and he didn't show up or call. i know i deserve better than that. i went to dinner by myself.

LIFE GIVER...
NURTURER...CARE TAKER...MOTHER...DAUGHTER...SISTER...WIFE...LOVER...

THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN IS UNPARALLELLED...IT SHINES FROM DEEP WITHIN AND EXPLODES ON THE SURFACE TO REVEAL THE INNER GODDESS.

MY HEART IS IN PIECES,
A PIECE WITH ME
AND A PIECE WITH YOU
AND I WANT IT BACK
I NEED IT BACK
SO GIVE IT BACK
SO I CAN LOVE AGAIN.

TIME LAPS AT MY HEELS
IT PRESSES ME
AND STRESSES ME
AND PUSHES ME.

THOUGHTS OF YOU WASH OVER ME
TAKE OVER ME
BUT IT'S OVER FOR ME...AND YOU.

THE HURT I FEEL
I FEEL INSIDE...
I SHUT MY EYES
I SQUEEZE THEM TIGHT
I TRY TO RUN,I TRY TO HIDE
BUT IT LINGERS
AND IT STAYS
AND I CANNOT GET AWAY.

PIECES OF ME...

GINA

Ok...here i go...

I AM 41 YEARS YOUNG.
I HAVE ONE SON WHO IS 22 YRS OLD.
I LOVE MY SON MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED.
I WOULD LOVE TO GET MARRIED.
I HAVE 2 SISTERS AND 3 BROTHERS.
MY FATHER IS DEAD.
MY MOM IS ALIVE AND 77YRS OLD.
BOTH OF MY PARENTS & 5 BROTHERS AND SISTERS ARE/WERE DRUG ADDICTS.
I HAVE BEEN CLEAN& SOBER FOR 4 YRS 8 MONTHS AND 9 DAYS.
I CARRY ALOT OF GUILT FOR THINGS I HAVE DONE IN MY ADDICTION.MOSTLY FOR WHAT I PUT MY SON THRU.
I FEEL VERY LONLEY AT TIMES.
I ALSO ENJOY SOLITUDE.
I BELIEVE IN GOD.
I SOMETIMES STRUGGLE WITH FAITH.
I HAVE ALOT OF ANXIETY.
I TEND TO BE ON THE SIDE OF THE UNDERDOG.
I DO NOT LIKE POLITICS.
I DON'T KNOW ALOT ABOUT POLITICS.
I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT THE DEATH PENALTY.
I HAVE AN OPEN MIND TO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING,AND I AM ALWAYS OPEN TO HEARING OR LEARNING ABOUT DIFFERENT IDEAS OR OPINIONS.
I AM VERY LOVING ,CARING AND PROTECTIVE WHEN IT COMES TO THE PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME.
I LOVE EXPENSIVE PERFUME AND HAVE QUITE A COLLECTION.
A PEDICURE IS A MUST.
I LIKE TO WEAR CUTE CLOTHES AND THINK EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD TOO!
I ALWAYS TRY TO DRESS MY FRIENDS.
I AM GETTING TO THE POINT OF BEING UNHAPPY AT MY JOB.
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A COUNSELOR OF SOME KIND OR WORK WITH TROUBLED KIDS OR MENTALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE.
I AM WORRIED ABOUT NOT BEING FINANCIALLY STABLE IN THE FUTURE.
I DO NOT OWN A HOME.
MY GOAL IS TO OWN A HOME IN THE NEXT TWO YRS.
I DID NOT GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
ISTARTED GETTING HIGH WHEN I WAS 13 YRS OLD.
I WAS PREGNANT AT 18 YRS OLD.
MY SON AND I HAVE NOT SEEN HIS FATHER IN 20 YRS.
I HEARD HE LIVES IN LOS ANGELES, BUT I AM NOT SURE.
MY SON LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS DAD.
MY SON CARRYS HIS DAD'S FULL NAME.
MY GRANDSON IS RUBEN THE IIIrd
I AM WILLING TO HELP MY SON FIND HIS DAD WHENEVER HE IS READY.
I WILL ADD MORE TRUTHS LATER

I REMEMBER....

CATCHING LIGHTNING BUGS IN A MASON JAR...
PLAYING HARD AND RUNNING FAR...
DREAMS OF BEING A MOVIE STAR...

CLIMBING TREES AND SCRAPING KNEES...
LEADER OF THE PACK I WAS HAPPY TO BE...

HALLOWEEN COSTUMES MADE FROM SCRATCH...
THRIFT SHOP CLOTHES THAT NEVER MATCH...

ALWAYS SO DIFFERENT FROM THE REST...
A HEALTH FOOD KICK MOM THOUGHT WAS BEST...

DARKER THINGS NO CHILD SHOULD KNOW...
SCARED TO RUN,NOWHERE TO GO...

LOOKING BACK I HAVE TO SAY...
MEMORIES FADE BUT NEVER GO AWAY...

I REMEMBER...